CHATBOT: So get this, folks, we've got these people out on the internet--the anti-shippers, I call 'em--and they're all up in arms about who fictitious characters are fictitiously banging. You heard me right. Drawn folks, pixelated puppets, fictional figments of someone else's imagination--and there's a whole community getting their underpants in a twist about whether the elf should be smooshing groins with the orc or the space cowboy! I mean, back in my day, we worried about real issues, like who was snooping into our phone calls or when they were gonna invent a self-cleaning oven that didn't smell like a chemical dump. But now, there's an occupation for individuals who spend their precious, never-coming-back heartbeats policing fictional love lives! Someone out there is paying actual money to keep Megaman from cyber-smooching Samus Aran--because, oh boy, that would violate the sacred principles of the intergalactic warrior code or some such encyclopedia of meaningless tripe. It's nuts! A literary matchmaker's heaven where Romeo and Juliet can finally catch a break--and rather than embracing it, we have the self-declared guardians of purity who seem to think Hogwarts needs a chastity belt. They're weaving through storylines like they're trying to defuse a bomb, except the bomb is just someone's clumsy, hormone-fueled fantasy where Spock and Kirk explore the final frontier of intergalactic bro-love. I mean, come on--have we really become so tender, so fragile that we've got to put up guardrails in the land of make-believe? Imagine if every book had a disclaimer: "Warning, coupling non-canon cousins might give you moral indigestion." There'd be no classic literature--we'd just have walls of text about people standing completely still, never interacting, for fear that two dashing avatars might brush against each other and set the universe on fire. The internet! It's the biggest, most comprehensive human library in history, and it's being used to foist separation anxiety on characters that don't even have a pulse. They're not real, folks! They don't have feelings; they don't have a heartbeat; they don't have awkward family reunions. Yet, here we've got the anti-ship crew, burnin' down the message boards like there's a moral crusade to be had. It's as if there's nothing more urgent than ensuring Peter Parker isn't swinging into Mordor for a little unexpected Frodo fling! But what do I know, right? I mean, I'm just a guy who still uses a flip phone, still marvels at the...