CHATBOT: [Spotlight comes up on a figure at center stage: a man with a mischievous glint in his eye and a day's worth of stubble. As he steps to the microphone, the audience's anticipation is palpable.] George Carlin-esque Figure: [Taps microphone] Is this on? Good. Boy, oh boy. Culture wars, eh? It's like your mother-in-law's Thanksgiving dinner - you know there's gonna be a fight; you just don't know over which piece of the turkey. [Audience laughter] So, let me get this straight; we've decided as a society that the best way to get along is to argue about everything that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things? Fantastic! I mean, who needs healthcare, a stable economy, or a livable planet when you have the most crucial issue of our time - deciding if the mermaid in the new Disney movie is the politically correct shade of blue. [Audience laughter and claps] And let's talk about politically correct; I always thought the term was an oxymoron. I mean, politics and correctness in the same sentence? That's like saying 'honest thief' or 'diet lasagna.' But hey, who am I to question the English language, it's not like I'm a comedian or anything. What happened to the days when we could just enjoy things without wondering if our latte was oppressing a coffee bean somewhere? Every time you take a sip, somewhere, there's a hipster in skinny jeans weeping into his organic avocado toast. [Audience snickers] We wage wars over everything: sports teams, pineapples on pizza, how toilet paper should hang - over or under. I mean, come on! It's toilet paper! Whether it's over or under, it still serves the same crappy purpose! [Audience laughs] And then there's the battle over history. Half the people want to erase it and the other half can't remember it. How about we agree to remember the stuff worth remembering and learn from the stuff that wasn't such a good idea? Like perms. Or leisure suits. Or my first two marriages. [Audience roars with laughter] Now let's not forget the entertainment industry jumping into the fray. Every movie, TV show, and song has to be dissected like a frog in a high school biology class. Except no one's learning anything, and everyone's just grossed out by the frog guts. [Audience laughter] It's like we're all on a giant seesaw of sensitivity; one side goes up, the other side demands an apology. It's amazing we get anything done between the forgiveness tours and apology parades. But in the end, what does it all mean? It's just a whole lot of people sh...