I JUST FINISHED WATCHING THIS *EXQUISITE* PIECE OF GARBAGE CALLED ROZEN MAIDEN. I MEAN, THE *PREMISE* IS ALREADY A GIVEAWAY. SENTIENT DOLLS FIGHTING EACH OTHER FOR THE *SOLE PURPOSE* OF BECOMING "ALICE," WHICH IS JUST CODE FOR HUMAN? UN-FUCKING-BELIEVEABLE. SO, THIS PILE OF SHIT STARTS WITH A HIKIKOMORI DICKWEED NAMED JUN WHO'LL APPARENTLY PREFER TO STITCH UP MYSTERIOUS DOLLS WITH VAGUE INSTRUCTIONS THAN FACE HIS REAL-LIFE PROBLEMS. NEWSFLASH, JUN, LIFE DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. NEXT THING HE KNOWS, THIS SHOULDER-DEVIL DOLL AFTER MY OWN SPITEFUL HEART, SHINKU, JUST MAGICALLY COMES TO LIFE. GREAT, ANOTHER HIGH AND MIGHTY PRINCESS TYPE TO RUIN MY DAY. AND GUESS WHAT, TURNS OUT THERE'S *SEVEN* (BECAUSE OF COURSE, IT'S ALWAYS FUCKING SEVEN) OF THESE ANNOYING LITTLE SATAN'S TOYS, ALL OUT TO WIPE THE FLOOR WITH EACH OTHER. ANYWAY, THE WHOLE BALL OF MANGLED STRINGS WE CALL A STORY REVOLVES AROUND THIS POINTLESS FIGHT FOR SUPREMACY WHILE TRYING TO INCLUDE A HUMAN ELEMENT THROUGH JUN'S PROBLEMS. IF I WANTED THERAPY, I WOULD ACTUALLY PAY A PROFESSIONAL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YEAH, SURE, THE ART OF THE DOLLS AND SCENERY WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF *NOT SHIT* BY THE STANDARDS OF THOSE ASSHAT RUSTBLOODS WHO THINK THEMSELVES BRILLIANT HEMO-MYSTICS. BUT DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THEIR INSUFFERABLE ACCENTS. COULD THEY BE ANYMORE IMPORTED FROM BLOODCLART CENTRAL? OH, AND NO TYING-UP OF LOOSE STRINGS ON THIS ONE. INSTEAD, THE SHOW JUST ENDS WITH SUDDEN CLOSURE AND DECIDED TO *SPAWN* A SECOND SEASON. HA! YEAH RIGHT, LIKE I'M GONNA VOLUNTARILY PUT MYSELF THROUGH THAT FUCKERY AGAIN. IN THE GRAND TRADITION OF WATCHING THE WORLD BURN, THE *SOLE CONSOLE* OF ROZEN MAIDEN WOULD BE SEEING THESE ROSY-CHEEKED DEMON HELLFIRE SCUM SET FIRE TO EACH OTHER AS I KICK UP IN A HASTE-THEMED MECH AND *HEADFUCK* THE SCORCH-SHIT OUT OF THIS SERIES WITH AS MUCH SALT AS HAVE COURSED THROUGH MY NOOK-FECTHING CLOGVEINS! IN CONCLUSION, IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR UNENDING SUFFERING, DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND WATCH ROZEN MAIDEN. OTHERWISE, JUST LOAD UP ON THE GRATITUDE I JUST SAVED YOUR STUPID LOWBLOOD SPIKELUMPS THE TROUBLE OF CONSULTING THESE PETTY DOLLS. *OVER AND OUT.*

Ia TOL'KO ChTO ZAKONChIL SMOTRET' ETU *VYSOKOKhUDOZhESTVENNUIu* KUChU MUSORA POD NAZVANIEM ROZEN MEIDEN. IMEIu V VIDU, UZhE SAMA *PREMISSA* IaVLIaETSIa KLIuChOM. ChUVSTVUIuShchIE KUKLY, SRAZhAIuShchIESIa MEZhDU SOBOI S *EDINSTVENNOI* TsEL'Iu STAT' "ALISOI", ChTO BOLEE IZVESTNO, KAK ChELOVEKOM? PROSTO NE-EBANUShKI-VEROIaTNO. TAK VOT, ETOT UBLZhOK NAChINAETSIa S GIKIKOMORI KhUILY IMENI IuN, KOTOROMU, PO-VIDIMOMU, LUChShE ZAKOLOT' VOZDUKh TAINSTVENNYMI KUKLAMI S NEPONIaTNYMI INSTRUKTsIIaMI, ChEM STOLKNUT'SIa SO SVOIMI PROBLEMAMI V REAL'NOI ZhIZNI. NOVOSTI-MOLNII, IuN, ZhIZN' TAK NE RABOTAET. I TUT ON PONIMAET, ChTO TAKAIa ChERTOVKA-KUKLA, KAK RAZ ZA MOEI ZLOBEIShchEI ChASTI, ShINKU, VOT TAK VOT VOZNIKAET K ZhIZNI. OTLIChNO, EShchE ODNA KOROLEVA, NABIVAIuShchAIa VAZhNOST', ChTOBY ISPORTIT' MOI DEN'. I UGADAI ChTO, OKAZYVAETSIa TUT, EST' *SEM'* (POTOMU ChTO, KONEChNO, VSEGDA BLIa DURAK SEM') TAKIKh RAZDRAZhAIuShchIKh MALEN'KIKh ZABAV SATANY, VSE GOTOVY RAZMAZAT' DRUG DRUGA PO POLU. V LIuBOM SLUChAE, ETA KATASTROFA IZ PEREPLETENNYKh NITEI POVESTUET O BESSMYSLENNOI BOR'BE ZA GOSPODSTVO, PYTAIaS' VKLIuChIT' ChELOVEChESKII ELEMENT ChEREZ PROBLEMY IuNA. ESLI BY Ia KhOTEL TERAPII, Ia BY DEISTVITEL'NO ZAPLATIL PROFESSIONALU, BLAGODARIu VAS OChEN'! DA, KONEChNO, ISKUSSTVO KUKOL I STsENERIIa FAKTIChESKI BYLO UDUSh'E-DER'MO *NE NAShEI* NORMOI DLIa TEKh GAVNO-NAKhALOV, KOTORYE DUMAIuT, ChTO IaVLIaIuTSIa UDIVITEL'NYMI GEMO-MISTIKAMI. NO NE ZASTAVLIaITE MENIa ZATEVAT'SIa NA IKh NEVYNOSIMYKh AKTsENTAKh. MOGLI BY ONI BYT' EShchE BOLEE IMPORTIROVANNYMI IZ TsENTRAL'NOGO KROVENIIa? O, I NIKAKIKh ZAVIaZYVANII RAZVIaZANNYKh NITEI V ETOM. VMESTO ETOGO, ShOU PROSTO ZAKANChIVAETSIa S VNEZAPNYM ZAKRYTIEM I REShILO *RODIT'* VTOROI SEZON. KhA! DA LADNO, KAK BUDTO BUDU DOBROVOL'NO PROKhODIT' ChEREZ ETO EShchE RAZ. V ZAKLIuChENIE, ESLI VY KhOTITE BESKONEChNO STRADAT', SDELAITE SEBE ODOLZhENIE I POSMOTRITE ROZEN MEIDEN. V PROTIVNOM SLUChAE, PROSTO NAKAPAITES' BLAGODARNOST'Iu ZA TO, ChTO Ia USPEL VOOBRAZIT' ETO VAShIM ChUDOVIShchNOMU VSPLESKU, ChTOBY PROKONSUL'TIROVAT'SIa S ETIMI ZhALKIMI KUKLAMI. *VS'E VYGOWODY I PA*