Title: "The Ghastly Gripper of Greenham End!" Opening Scene: Scene is set at the dim and rather decrepit Greenham End railway station. Sounds of a distant steam train whistle, followed by chuffing and puffing as the train approaches. The platform is sparsely populated with a few eccentric characters pacing back and forth. Characters: - Neddie Seagoon (Our "hero", hopelessly bumbling) - Eccles (Lovable, but dim-witted sidekick) - Moriarty (Dastardly and poverty-stricken) - Grytpype-Thynne (Scheming and snide) - Major Bloodnok (Retired military, explosive temper) - Minnie Bannister (Quaint old lady, friend of Henry Crun) - Henry Crun (Eccentric old man, friend of Minnie Bannister) - The Ghastly Gripper (Mysterious ticket inspector) Act I: The Discovery Neddie: "Eccles, why have we been standing on this platform for six hours?" Eccles: "I thought we were waiting for the train." Neddie: "But the train's come and gone five times!" Eccles: (pause) "Did it?" Enter The Ghastly Gripper suddenly, a shadowy figure cloaked in a heavy greatcoat, wielding an antiquated hole punch like a sceptre. His eyes gleam with a spectral light as he approaches our unwitting duo. Ghastly Gripper: "Tickets, please..." A chilling wind blows through the station as the Gripper seems to float towards them. Act II: The Gripping Tale Seagoon and Eccles learn from Major Bloodnok that The Ghastly Gripper is rumored to be the vengeful spirit of a ticket inspector who fell onto the tracks in 1899, chasing a fare-evader, only to be crushed by the oncoming Dining Express, thereby mingling his spirit forever with the railway. Moriarty overhears this juicy tidbit and schemes with Grytpype-Thynne to exploit the tale by convincing the town that The Ghastly Gripper will excuse any outstanding debts in exchange for a mysterious 'Golden Ticket.' Act III: The Hunt for the Golden Ticket Henry Crun and Minnie Bannister, bewitched by the promise of forgiven debts, craft a plan to stage an elaborate performance and summon The Ghastly Gripper to demand the Golden Ticket. Henry, disguised as a sultry siren of the rails, allures Eccles into a grand piano crate, which launches them both onto the tracks just as the ghostly train approaches, heralding the arrival of The Ghastly Gripper. Act IV: The Gripper's Grasp Neddie stumbles upon the truth that the 'Golden Ticket' is, in fact, a mere legend created by a tight-fisted railway magnate to inspire more punctual payment. With the help of the unwitting Eccles - who somehow found the right notes to play on the grand piano to summon a herd of commuter cows to barrel down the tracks - reveal Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty's duplicitous plot to fleece the town. In the nick of time, Neddie uses a cunning ruse involving a counterfeit Golden Ticket to draw out The Ghastly Gripper, only to reveal him as nothing more than a disgruntled, very-much-alive, former ticket inspector named Herbert Noakes who missed his retirement due to an administrative error. Final Act: The Farewell The villagers, grateful to Neddie Seagoon and his hapless friend Eccles, hold a raucous celebration in their honor. The real Ghastly Gripper is laid to rest with a proper tribute of a lifetime railway pass (posthumously awarded, of course), and peace returns to Greenham End... until the next improbable adventure! FX: (Rousing horn fanfare followed by railway steam whistles.) Seagoon: "And so, dear listeners, remember: when traveling by train, keep a firm grip on your tickets, for you never know when The Ghastly Gripper might make his round!" FX: (Curtain call music and applause) CAST: Announcer: "And so ends another thrilling tale of the unexpected from The Goon Show! Tune in next week for yet another shattering narrative that'll grip your... seats. This is the BBC, home of the British Gooncast Corporation!" The specific dialogue would be infused with the surreal humor, bizarre sound effects, and absurd situations characteristic of the Goon Show, with plenty of comedic misunderstandings, non-sequiturs, and wordplay. This pitched episode remains true to the Goon Show's penchant for mixing supernatural elements with everyday peculiarities, all wrapped up in a delightfully nonsensical plot.

Absolutely, since "The Ghost Train" by Arnold Ridley is an archetypal ghost story based around a railway station and is a part of the cultural backdrop of the era, a Goon Show episode would likely rife with parodic references to this work. The "Goon-esque" take on the concept could inject the peculiar humor of the show into the suspenseful framework of "The Ghost Train." Act I would open similar to before but with Neddie investigating the legend of a ghost train after hearing shrieks and spooky train whistles from the comfort of his railway carriage. Act II: After a slew of nonsensical delays and station announcements that hint at otherworldly interferences--like prompts to beware of the "ghosts in the buffet car" or platform changes that require interdimensional travel--Neddie and Eccles are set to spend the night at the station. Scene: Inside the dim waiting room with eerie organ music playing faintly in the background. Neddie: "Eccles, did you hear that bloodcurdling scream?" Eccles: "Yeah! Sounded like someone stepped on a packet of crisps!" The paranormal occurrences begin to mirror those of "The Ghost Train," but with a Goonish twist--spectral locomotives sound their horns to the tune of popular music hall numbers, while the apparitions that haunt the platform consistently miss their train cues. Act III: As fears grow, Major Bloodnok, in a state of explosive panic, would recount the grim history of an ill-fated midnight express, only for Grytpype-Thynne to enter as a pseudo-psychic con-artist, leading a seance to communicate with the ghostly conductor, who complains about the afterlife's poor working conditions and demands overdue wages. Scene: The waiting room has been transformed into a ghoulish seance circle, with Grytpype-Thynne, adorned with a turban and a ludicrously fake beard, hovering his hands over a crystal ball. Grytpype-Thynne: "Oh, spirits of the departed, your attendance is requested at platform...oh drat, where's the timetable?" Act IV: The Ghastly Gripper, gleefully playing into his role as the spectral antagonist, would take Neddie Seagoon and Eccles on a humorous "haunted" chase around the station, only for them to trip over a curry house delivery bike, uncovering the 'frightful' noises as a combination of a snoring commuter and steam from a pressure cooker. Final Act: As with the original pitch, the episode would culminate in the revelation that The Ghastly Gripper and the ghostly occurrences were indeed orchestrated - a mix of mistaken identity, coincidental accidents, and clever sound effects created by Minnie Bannister practicing her theremin for an upcoming talent show. Scene: The station is bathed in morning light; the once eerie environment is now shown to be the result of comically mundane happenings. Seagoon: "So, the Ghastly Gripper wasn't a ghost at all! Ha ha ha! And what of the eerie sounds, Moriarty?" Moriarty: *(coughs)* "I confess--it was me! I can't resist a theremin solo..." Cast Closer: As the cast takes their comedic bows, the sound of a train approaching reverberates once again, leaving the audience with a not-so-subtle nudge toward the supernatural to cap off the spoof. Announcer: "True or not, dear listeners, the ghost train may yet ride again through Greenham End. But fear not, for the Goons are sure to be on the next hilarious, haunted hijinks. Mind the ghoul--I mean, gap!" The program would finish with the trademark Goon Show sign-off, bringing the episode to a close with a hearty balance of laughter and a loving jab at the ghostly tropes of the time.

Title: "The Overdone Mortar Haggis Caper!" Opening Scene: Fade in to the rolling hills of Scotland, with the distant sound of bagpipes playing. The air is filled with the aroma of peat fires and... something slightly more curious. Characters: - Neddie Seagoon (Our indefatigable "hero") - Eccles (The simple-minded, lovable fool) - Moriarty (A French scoundrel with a wild moustache) - Grytpype-Thynne (The suave mastermind) - Bluebottle (Enterprising boy scout, ready for adventure) - Major Bloodnok (Brash and bombastic with a penchant for explosions) - The Laird of McGoon (The proud Scottish landowner, with a dire haggis problem) Act I: The Highland Howl Neddie Seagoon, wearing a kilt and sporran that leaves the Scottish winds rather drafty, meets with the Laird of McGoon, who implores him to resolve the mystery of the overdone haggis that threatens the sanctity of their annual Highland Games. Laird of McGoon: "Ach, Neddie! 'Tis a disaster! The haggis for the Games, they've turned hard as a caber tosser's bicep! Ye must find the culprit!" Neddie: "Fear not, Laird! I shall solve this overly cooked conundrum!" Act II: The Bagpipe Clue Eccles, acting on behalf of Neddie, attempts to follow the sounds of the bagpipes, believing that the source of the music will lead them to the source of the heat. Eccles: "Listen, Neddie! The pipes! They're playing a tune called 'Ye Burnt My Haggis!'" Neddie: "A clue, Eccles! Onward... But why do you have that strange look on your face?" Eccles: "I swallowed one of those drone thingies." The duo tracks the overcooked haggis epidemic across the Highlands using an oversized magnifying glass, only to be temporarily sidetracked by the allure of a piping-hot deep-fried pizza. Act III: The Mortar Mishap They stumble upon Moriarty and Grytpype-Thynne operating a black market for reinforced haggis, now in high demand as both a foodstuff and building material due to its mortar-like resilience. Moriarty: *(with Scottish inflection)* "Aye, we've cornered the market on hard haggis, right, Grytpype?" Grytpype-Thynne: "Quite right. We're building an entire castle from overdone haggis. Gun turret to go, please!" Act IV: The Bagpipe Breakthrough Bluebottle stumbles upon the operation, mistaking the fortified haggis for rare geological specimens. Bluebottle: "Eh? I'll earn a science badge for discovering the Haggisaurus Rock. I'll be careful not to touch anything marked 'explosive'..." Major Bloodnok appears in kilted glory, followed by an accidental discharge of his military-issued bagpipes that double as a bazooka, blowing a hole in the haggis pile and revealing the sabotage: a mischievous clan of wild haggises with miniature welding torches. Bloodnok: "There's nothing worse than a wild haggis with a blowtorch, Neddie! It's like Burns Night gone ablaze!" Final Act: The Piping Down Neddie, with the aid of a fleet of trained highland terriers and Bloodnok's bagpipe bazooka, corrals the renegade haggises and uncovers Grytpype and Moriarty's plot to corner Scotland's building supplies. Grytpype and Moriarty are chased off into the distance, to the tune of a triumphant bagpipe medley played by none other than the reconciled haggises, revealing a talent that eclipses their welding skills. Scene: The Highlands are restored to peace, the haggis appropriately squishy once more, and the Highland Games commence with Eccles competing for the title of 'Haggis Hurling Champion.' Announcer: "And so, the Highlands are saved by Seagoon and the Goons, the haggis free to juggle rather than to join the masonry trade!" The episode would wrap up with traditional Goon Show absurdity, punctuated by the skirl of bagpipes and the characters' reflections on Scotland's newly minted heroes, with a running gag about Neddie's unfortunate kilting mishaps. CAST: Announcer: "Tune in next week for another Goon Show, where the scripts are tighter than Neddie's kilt and the laughs as plentiful as Eccles' misunderstandings!" As the curtain falls, listeners would be treated to the strains of an outrageously off-key bagpipe rendition of "Goodnight Sweetheart," fading out as the cast joins in with mock-Scottish warbles.

Title: "The Final Ascent of Wimbledon Common!" Opening Scene: We open on a blustery day on Wimbledon Common, with the sound of the wind gusting and the distant bark of a solitary dog. Neddie Seagoon, dressed for Himalayan adventure in thick parkas, goggles and carrying an ice pick, stands before a small molehill, mistaking it for a mountain due to his frozen goggles. Characters: - Neddie Seagoon (Our "mountaineering" protagonist) - Eccles (Cherubic, cheerful, and a few sandwiches short of a picnic) - Moriarty (The conniving French villain) - Grytpype-Thynne (The sophisticated scam artist) - Major Bloodnok (The gassy military man with vertigo) - Bluebottle (The fearless boy scout perpetually unaware of his impending doom) - Henry Crun and Minnie Bannister (Elderly eccentrics and "mountain guides") Act I: The Molehill Montage Neddie proclaims his intention to conquer the world-famous 'Wombellian Alps' as eccentric retirees Crun and Bannister approach, posing as seasoned sherpas ready to guide him up the treacherous terrain of what is clearly a modest hill. Henry Crun: "Yes, young man, Minnie and I have scaled the mighty molehill of Wimbledon Common every fortnight since '39. Right, Minnie?" Minnie Bannister: "Oh, yes, Crun. But I lost my sherpa-snood somewhere on that beastly bunny slope!" Act II: The Confounded Climb Eccles, having been hired as the expedition's pack mule, struggles with his load: an assortment of unnecessary equipment, including a stuffed yeti lent by Major Bloodnok for "authenticity". Eccles: "Here's where I put me foot, and here's where I put me other foot, and... Hey! Who took the Common?" Neddie: "It's beneath you, Eccles." Eccles: "Yeah, I know that, but where is it?" Act III: Fictitious Frostbite Seagoon's party encounters Moriarty and Grytpype-Thynne running a make-shift supply shack teetering atop the molehill, peddling fur-lined oxygen tanks and spiked Wellington boots for the climb. Grytpype-Thynne: "Stock up here for your final push, gentlemen! We're having a special on 'Eau de Yeti', bottled directly from the source-of the Thames." A muffled Bluebottle bursts out of a nearby tent, nearly trampled by a line-dance of 'yetis' (Major Bloodnok's regiment in costume)--a devious decoy planned by our resident rogues to bilk climbers out of their tuppence. Act IV: The Summit Suspense Amid falling fake snow (courtesy of Bloodnok's defective snow machine), Neddie battles a sudden onset of altitude silliness, believing himself to be dangling over precipitous cliffs, only to be calmed by Eccles' timely offering of his 'emergency custard'. Neddie: "Eccles! I see the peak! Onward!" Eccles: "No, that's a seagull, Neddie." The pesky Grytpype and Moriarty attempt to saw off the 'summit' with Neddie on it, to claim the 'first ascent' for themselves, only to fall victim to their own plan as a rogue seesaw sends them catapulting into the nearby pond. Final Act: The Dubious Descent With the Wimbledon Common 'peak' conquered, a grand flag-planting ceremony takes place as Neddie proudly claims the 'summit' for... the local garden club. Neddie: "I hereby name this peak... Molehill Monty!" Bluebottle, unhinged from his yeti suit, bursts forth and gives an overeager salute, causing the 'mountain' to deflate with the escape of a mole, revealing the true height of their folly. Announcer: "And so the heights of heroism are scaled on Wimbledon Common with our valiant Goons conquering the unconquerable Molehill Monty!" CAST: Announcer: "Join us next week when our Goons might just discover another geographic faux pas to challenge their indomitable spirit. For now, it's over and...out?" Bombastic fanfare plays ironically against the backdrop of the very flat Wimbledon Common, complete with the distant but unmistakable echo of a mole whistling victoriously.

Title: "The Stone Scone Caper" Opening Scene: A thick London fog rolls over Baker Street as the scene opens to the sound of a door creaking and a dark silhouette pausing under a lamppost. A voiceover, in the style of a pulpy radio thriller, shrouds the beginning of our tale in mystery. Voiceover: "In an age of intrigue and pastries, one man stands against the encroaching shadow of a baked goods blunder most foul..." Characters: - Sherlock Seagoon (Our intrepid sleuth, clad in deerstalker and magnifying monocle) - Doctor Eccles (Seagoon's unshakably daft companion) - Moriarty (The Napoleon of crime--has a penchant for pilfered pastries) - Grytpype-Thynne (The upper-crust conspirator) - Major Dennis Bloodnok (A military man with an insatiable appetite for scones) - Miss Minnie Bannister (The elderly jam and cream keeper) - Constable Bluebottle (The ever-eager bobby on the beat) Act I: Dastardly Deeds at Dawn Sherlock Seagoon is roused by the hurried rappings of Constable Bluebottle at the door of 221B Baker Street, bearing news that threatens the very foundation of the upcoming coronation tea--The Stone of Scone has vanished, replaced deftly with a cleverly disguised stone scone! Bluebottle: "Mr. Seagoon, sir! The Stone of Scone--it's... it's gone, sir!" Seagoon: "Gone? Impossible! That scone had enough fruit in it to feed the Household Guard!" Act II: The Quest for the Crumbs Doctor Eccles, with a magnifying glass, traces a trail of currants and pastry flakes across London's cobblestone streets, stopping only to munch on what he believes to be 'wayward evidence.' Eccles: "Sherlock, I've solved it!" Seagoon: "You have?" Eccles: "Yes! The trail ends here... because I ate it. It was delicious!" Act III: Scone Subterfuge Infiltrating a high society tea party by disguising themselves as aristocratic ornithologists, Sherlock Seagoon and Doctor Eccles eavesdrop on Moriarty and Grytpype-Thynne's hushed conspiracy. The villainous duo plots to serve the stone scone to a foreign dignitary, igniting a scandal that would rock the Empire! Grytpype-Thynne: "Imagine, Moriarty, the diplomatic debacle when the Duke of Dithering breaks his royal tooth on our rocky replica!" Act IV: The Culinary Conundrum At Buckingham Palace, in the midst of a frenzy to find a fitting substitute, Miss Minnie Bannister confesses that her secret recipe magically turns stone scones soft when sung to--yet she's lost her voice from hollering for Henery. Seagoon: "We must find a songstress to serenade the scone at once, or all will be crumb--er, I mean, lost!" Act V: A Tonic for the Tea With minutes to spare, Sherlock Seagoon locates a retired opera diva who bats her eyelashes at Major Bloodnok. Her powerful voice causes the stone scone to quake, revealing the true Stone of Scone hidden within its flaky depths! Seagoon: "A-ha! It was a scone within a scone! The double bluff!" Moriarty: (crying out) "Curses! Foiled by fat and flour!" Final Act: Tea-Time Triumph The coronation tea is back on track, with Sherlock Seagoon earning the gratitude of the Crown and a lifetime supply of jam and clotted cream. As the dignitaries nibble on properly prepared pastries, the jubilant sound of "Rule Britannia" transitions into a medley of hysterical hiccups--courtesy of Major Bloodnok overindulging once again. Announcer: "And so the case of the Stone Scone Caper crumbles to a close, with Sherlock Seagoon and his ever-so-slightly edible sidekick saving the coronation and the crust of England!" CAST: Announcer: "Join us next week for another round of Seagoon-shenanigans--but for now, keep calm and scone on! This is the BBC, broadcasting a recipe for relief, mirth, and a spot of tea. Pip-pip!" Muffled bagpipe music plays us out, interspersed with giggling from Eccles, who remains oblivious to the crime but deeply aware of the leftover scones.

Title: "The NAAFI Saucers Affair" Opening Scene: A serene RAF station is ruffled by the din of clattering; the mess hall is in an uproar over reports of Unidentified Frying Objects. Enter Neddie Seagoon with a clipboard and crash helmet, determined to unravel the mystery. Characters: - Neddie Seagoon (Bombastic investigator and fearless former airman) - Eccles (Cheerfully befuddled mess hall assistant) - Major Dennis Bloodnok (RAF Station Commander with a nervous disposition) - Bluebottle (Enterprising boy scout and aspiring pilot) - Moriarty (A shifty supplier of kitchenware) - Grytpype-Thynne (A shadowy figure looking to capitalize on the chaos) - Private Bannister and Corporal Crun (NAAFI canteen staff bewildered by the phenomenon) Act I: The Frying Fiasco Neddie Seagoon marches into the RAF station's NAAFI canteen to find Major Bloodnok disguised as a chandelier, hiding from the supposedly alien threat. Below stands Eccles, the only one unconcerned and casually flipping an unsuspicious pancake. Bloodnok: "Seagoon, you must act! The saucers--they're out of this world!" Seagoon: "Major, this is no time to hang about! Eccles, report!" Eccles: "Yok-yok, I just saw a flying saucer!" Seagoon: "Where?!" Eccles: "There it goes again!" (Sounds of a pancake flipping) Act II: The Supplier's Scheme Moriarty, capitalizing on the canteen's paranoia, slinks in offering an exclusive contract for "anti-UFO" kitchenware as catering staff Private Bannister and Corporal Crun flutter around trying to swat away the so-called 'alien invaders' with soup ladles. Moriarty: "Step right up for your UFO-proof frying pans--guaranteed to deflect any and all radar signals!" Crun: "Do they come in medium-size, young man?" Act III: The Boy Scout's Blunder Bluebottle, equipped with binoculars and a sketchpad, attempts to gather evidence. However, his "unearthly observations" only record the continuous sight of Eccles's backside as he bends over to retrieve dropped batter. Bluebottle: "Eek! The alien is moonscaped and has googly eyes!" Act IV: The Plot Thickens Grytpype-Thynne, in a bid to sell sensationalist stories to the press, orchestrates a grand spectacle using hubcaps and strategic lighting, plunging the canteen into a mock extraterrestrial invasion, complete with eerie 'space music' blasting from a gramophone. Grytpype-Thynne: "Now watch as the NAAFI becomes the first victim of the impending saucer occupation!" Act V: The Great Revelation Seagoon, having recruited the help of Eccles and his oddly non-stick frying pan, discovers the root cause of the disturbances: a mischievous band of misfit pigeons playing in the grease traps, their shiny plumage reflecting light and casting saucer-like shadows. Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty's plots crumble with the pigeons' coos heard as testimony. Seagoon: "Gentlemen, we've been invaded--not by creatures from space, but from the aviary realm! And there's the culprit--Eccles' pancake toss!" Final Act: Canteen Calm Restored With the real "saucers" identified and the canteen cleared of feathery troublemakers, Seagoon heroically reinstates peace, encouraging homing pigeons as the latest recruits for RAF message delivery. Major Bloodnok, relieved, descends from his bulbous haven, though his descent is rather ungracious due to a well-placed frying pan. Announcer: "Ah, the skies over the NAAFI return to familiar British greyness, as the saucers are identified, and the only invasions we prepare for now are those by tea and biscuits--courtesy of Neddie Seagoon and the Goons!" CAST: Announcer: "Tune in next time, when our intrepid cast may find themselves tangled in yet another saucy caper--this is the BBC sending you back to your regularly scheduled airwaves. Goodnight!" Marching band music plays out, interjected with the whistling tea kettles and the sizzling of pancakes, frying away under Eccles' careful watch.

Title: "The Expedition to Capture the First Highgate Tadpole in Captivity!" Opening Scene: A parody of a hushed and reverent nature documentary voice sets the stage, with the croaking of frogs and the gentle plop of a tadpole leaping into a Highgate pond. Voiceover: "And here, in the shadowed depths of Highgate's age-old ponds, lurks a creature of legend and lore... the elusive Highgate Tadpole. Today, an expedition led by famed explorer Neddie Seagoon dares to do what no man has done before: capture the first of these aquatic acrobats for the glory of science!" Characters: - Neddie Seagoon (The intrepid and slightly puffed-up explorer) - Eccles (Seagoon's nonsensical naturalist and fellow tadpole tracker) - Major Dennis Bloodnok (The fear-stricken financier of the expedition) - Grytpype-Thynne (The entrepreneurial equipment supplier) - Moriarty (The sly local guide with dubious intentions) - Bluebottle (The eager and expendable junior explorer) Act I: The Quest Commences At the Natural History Museum, Major Bloodnok presents Neddie Seagoon with a rusted butterfly net and a bucket with a hole as essentials for the task at hand. Bloodnok: "Seagoon, the nation's pride rests upon your shoulders! And these discounted adventure essentials!" Seagoon: "Thank you, Major. But isn't this bucket--" Bloodnok: "Entirely waterproof, save for the air circulation feature, yes." Act II: The Amazing Equipment Emporium Preparations continue as Grytpype-Thynne offers the latest in tadpole tracking technology: a submersible diving suit made from actual sponge. Grytpype-Thynne: "Seagoon, this suit will allow you to remain underwater indefinitely by absorbing the very essence of the pond!" Neddie: "Isn't there a risk of... bloating?" Grytpype-Thynne: "Only if you're soaking with success!" Act III: The Damp Descent Moriarty, claiming generations of tadpole tracking tradition, leads the team around Highgate Pond in erratic patterns to avoid the 'tadpole territories' while casually trademarking the footprints of extinct animals along the pond's banks. Moriarty: "Be very silent, the Highgate Tadpole has ears like a hawk!" Eccles: "Then how does it swim with wings--" Moriarty: "Silence!" Act IV: Bluebottle's Brave Bathtub Bluebottle, paddling underneath them in a tin bathtub repurposed as a boat, charts the depths using a plunger as an echolocation device, only to encounter a submerged shopping trolley, which he promptly declares a new species. Bluebottle: "Captain's log: I've discovered the metallic cartfish, native to the concrete reefs of Highgate." Seagoon: "Steady there, Bluebottle--watch for the--" (Splash as Bluebottle tips over) Bluebottle: "I've fallen amongst the cartfish!" Act V: The Tantalizing Tadpole Triumph After numerous squelched attempts, Eccles inadvertently captures the prized tadpole using Seagoon's sandwich as bait. The creature's splashing victory in the hole-ridden bucket leads to a rhythmic dance party among the pond's denizens. Eccles: "Look, it likes the crusts! I knew no creature could resist the allure of egg and cress!" Final Act: The Hapless Heroes' Return The expedition triumphantly returns to the museum, where Neddie presents the slightly soggy but lively Highgate Tadpole to an adoring public. Celebrations ensue, complete with an absurdly ceremonial 'awarding of the towels' to dry off the drenched adventurers. Announcer: "And so the legend of the Highgate Tadpole passes into the annals of history, thanks to the daring, the damp, and the slightly deluded. This has been a BBC Natural (Un)History special!" CAST: Announcer: "Will the Goons be summoned for another baffling chase through the wilds of London? Perhaps! But for now, it's goodbye from the splashes and thrashes of Highgate's aquatic arena!" As the final credits roll, listeners are treated to the sound of splashing, Eccles's joyful humming, and Major Bloodnok's off-key rendition of a song celebrating their newfound tadpolian friend.